too bad you live with your parents still
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
