I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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