My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
