My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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