oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
