I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
