used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Life is so much better after having sex.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize