i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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