Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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