you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
