my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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