Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
