Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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