My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
