Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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