Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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