I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
