apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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