Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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