Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
