am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
we made out on top of his cat.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
