Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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