Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
