She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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