Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So much rum. So many feels.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
