I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
