Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
