god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Randomize
