Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
