You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
