The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
