So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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