I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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