When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
