My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
