What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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