my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
