he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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