I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
