Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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