I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
