dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
