my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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