I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
