The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
