I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
