by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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