Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize