just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The power of my boobs compel you
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
