He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
