when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
