If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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