I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I party with great urgency now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
