i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
