Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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