who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
