Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
