Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
